diana writes:
OkCreeper: Adventures in Online Dating

I recently dipped my toe into the online dating pool and while it’s not all bad, there are a lot of sad sacks and creepers out there. One cheese ball wrote I was “one beautiful looking woman, like a living poem, though I’m sure you get that all the time,” (nope, sure don’t,) while another clueless fellow listed his favorite book as “The Encyclopedia of Serial Killers.” Seriously. This is what I’m working with.

It didn’t take long to accumulate a thick “Creeper File” (an actual folder on my desktop) stuffed with crude, lewd, rude and moronic messages. Here are a few gems that arrived in my inbox. Enjoy!

Creeper 1 -

No need for the prenup, Mark. You won’t be hearing from me, and hopefully I’ll never hear from you again either.

Creeper 2 - This is the entire message:

A seemingly nice message, but oh no, the guy’s username contains the phrase “cocksauce” and his thumbnail photo appears to be a tattoo depicting a monkey getting poked in the behind. Charming, but I’ll pass.

Creeper 3 – This is the entire message:

I have been deemed worthy? Has this approach ever worked before? 

Creeper 4 – The Foreign Spammer (one of my favorites):

My favorite line: “I am pretty experienced, use Condom all time, no disease.” Ohh, well in that case…

Creeper 5

In his profile, a 35-year-old male Scorpio writes:

That is cringeworthy, my dear.

Creeper 6 - this is the entire message:

There is nothing wrong with being an adult virgin. I do think, however, that you should rethink your approach and start with “hello” instead of “do you think there’s something wrong with me.”

Creeper 7 - Big Guy in a Charlie Brown T-shirt writes:

“Hey…Hi…Hello. How’s it going? You seem like an awesome bird. I think it’s really cool that you’re a writer. I write also. Mainly screenplays because I also enjoy directing. (Of course you do.) Anyway, we should talk…if you want. (I don’t, but thanks anyway.) I’m an okay guy by the way.” (I’ll have to take your word for it.)

Creeper 8 -

“Nice pictures and great smile. And that’s why I clicked on your profile. You’re not only attractive, but you have the brains too. You look great at 29.”

Gee, thanks. Girls in their 20’s love it when you tell them they look great for their age.

Creeper 9

“Hi. I’m 28 miles away from you. Is that too far?”

Well, considering your profile says you’re looking for women ages 29-47 near you for casual sex, I’d say 28 miles isn’t quite far enough. Keep going west until you reach the Pacific Ocean. Then keep going.

Creeper 10 -The Creepiest Creeper of them all:

Maybe you should keep that to yourself.